The Appeal of Darkness

One of the frequent appeals of BDSM is the close approach it makes to the dark aspects of life. While mature adults distinguish between fantasy and reality, people are nevertheless drawn to contemplating what they also would fear and despise in reality.

The success of films, novels, and news reports that depict -- often graphically -- rapes, abductions, beatings, and violence is only the tip of the iceberg. It is hard to find an adult who has not at some point in his or her fantasy or reading life been intrigued by some aspect of the extreme, however guiltily those thoughts or prurient observing may have been entertained. Tortures, dungeons, pain,
innocent people being pushed to emotional and physical extremes by evil or injustice, the challenge of survival, rage, capture, rape, pillage, blood, weapons, and murder have a fascinating appeal to people. It's a fact.

BDSM offers a consensual, controllably safe framework in which tops and bottoms alike can and often do gradually talk about, explore,and experience an approach to these dark fantasies. While carrying out such heavier play is not for everyone, much actual BDSM draws some of its elements from fascination with such darkness. The range of exploration is very wide. It is always highly tailored between individuals who, ideally, constantly re-evaluate consent and caring between each other.

The extent of communication and prior negotiation that typically goes on before people play in the ways I will describe in this section cannot be overemphasized. The people I know who play in these ways do so with awe-inspiring awareness of the extremity of the risks they are taking with regard to their emotional lives and physical well-being. Most important of all, they know that they might not understand all the ways it can go wrong. Responsibility for oneself and for one's partner is the essence of this kind of play.

Sensible people do not play this way without discussing the possible negative outcomes. This includes allocating responsibility for dealing with long-term repercussions and re-cuperations in extreme situations. Failure to discuss in advance expectations about aftercare can lead to the top's feeling trapped into supplying endless emotional support or the bottom's feeling emotionally abandoned.

If you are a novice, the ideas in this section are not kinds of play that are recommended. I'm not going to whitewash the risks; but neither am I going to whitewash all of BDSM by pretending that such dark kinds of play do not exist. It's out there, and if it appeals to you, you might be able to find a way to work these things out with your partner. Better that you should know what problems -- and what joys! -- others have encountered and what concerns they have considered than that you should have to re-invent the wheel for yourself.


Emotional Degradation and Emotional Subjection

Emotional degradation is a form of emotional SM that goes beyond embarrassment or humiliation into the realm of stripping the bottom of self-esteem or inner resources. For many people being embarrassed, humiliated, or even degraded can be very hot. Where to draw the line, and how to be sure that the loss of self-esteem stays under control and does not pervade aspects of life where it is unwanted can be very difficult to assess.

The heavier and riskier forms of this kind of play bring up questions about potentially damaging someone's self-respect both in and out of scene. While many males find it very hot to be told their cocks are small and unsatisfying in scene, and many females and males alike find it very hot to be told they are dirty, disgusting, or too ugly to desire, it would potentially be damaging to reinforce someone's negative self-image. To tell someone that he is stupid, useless, or undesirable may be hot for the person at the time, but it carries a lot of risk if it is repeated daily. It is the responsibility of the partners to consider the long-term self-esteem issues involved and to be sure that this kind of play does not lead into nonconsensual areas that sneak up on the partners over time.

More than most kinds of risky play, emotional degradation seems to risk a relationship's crossing the line into abuse. If the submissive or bottom is constantly told he or she is useless or subject to the top/dom's every whim, told to stay home doing the only lowly tasks he or she is good for, devoid of an outside job, school, or independent friends, and otherwise made dependent financially and emotionally on the top/dom for any kind of support or approval, how do the partners know if consent is still being given of free will? Even though such a model of abject subjection and extreme dependency on one's dom or top is appealing to many people, top and bottom alike, there is a substantial long-run risk of entrapment involved. Such relationships can start off with freely given and informed consent, but risk long-run emotional damage as well as the loss of opportunities in life.

Not all such relationships go down such a sad road! But to not think about the risks in advance and periodically reevaluate the situation is foolish.