Natural Dominant

"Those just entering the BDSM world will find the abundant usage of both of these words by members of the online community. This is primarily due to the rapid growth of access and the restrained attainability of quality texts to correctly interpret what these words mean within the community itself. Up to a few years ago the BDSM world was a tightly closed and almost secret society. Membership in this society was kept totally private and hidden with significant effort. Entree into the community was by referral and accompaniment only. Protocols or rules of conduct were strict and strongly enforced, not from some control standpoint but because those rules emerged from bitterly hard lessons in survival.

A Dominant is a person with a dominant aspect in their personality.

A Master is a Dominant with significant real life BDSM experience.

They are not the same. It can be fairly said that all Master/Mistress's are Dominant. It cannot be said that all Dominant's have earned the title of Master/Mistress. The Dominant person will range from lightly, moderately and heavily dominant. They may desire to engage in a relationship which is infrequent and strictly limited by rules, boundaries and limitations. These light Dominant's will generally have a very limited desire to have a significant D/s relationship, this is sometimes due to conflicting life events and other times due to being 'barely dominant'.

There is a second group of light Dominant's or persons with a desire to control without the adequate understanding or tools to do so. I sometimes call these person's low level Dominant's. Their range or sphere (their world) is small, they can be poorly educated, relatively low paying jobs, somewhat narrow minded and may be subject to 'dominant bursts', or short term barely or uncontrolled violent outbursts. These low level Dominant's are often abusive and were generally bully's or victims of abuse as children. They may be full of justifications for their 'actions' often assigning 'blame' or directing by means of fear, intimidation or threat of pain. They are often without honor, courage and veracity as individual's and when encountered in the BDSM world should be avoided or not sought out to be in a relationship with.

The moderate Dominant is the most common Dominant and will characteristically be interested in a 'relationship', though often they may not desire a full time relationship when they are fairly new to the community. They tend to have a broader range and more committed style than the light Dominant and the submissive will find them to be more stable. They will tend to be decently educated, interested in their outer world, midrange job. They may tend to control through a blending of thought and the accentuating of traditional type disciplines. They are most likely to have 'sides', wishing and desiring their submissive to 'share' in decision making choices.

The heavy Dominant can be distinguished primarily by a clear, strong and compelling desire to live in a 24/7 relationship with one submissive. This Dominant will generally have been in the community for a long time or be seasoned, will have explored the 'abundance' of many D/s events, meetings, scenes and partners. They can be more tolerant and more strict than any other Dominant. A high percentage of heavy Dominant's will have spent some portion of their BDSM life as a submissive, learning from the inside. These Dominant's often allow few limits and believe that their submissive must trust in them to direct them in a safe, sane manner. They are generally well rounded and quite stable. Holding to simple, firm rules with a strong desire to maintain the health and well-being of their chosen mate.

One of the most significant traits which identifies or distinguishes a member of this community is the basic 'desire to serve for the pleasure of another'. This aspect trait is shared by both Dominant and submissive though manifested in entirely different ways. When 'in scene' the Dominant is 'serving' the needs of the submissive by giving and/or directing that submissive in a manner which is pleasurable to the core being of the submissive. In those terms the Dominant is the giver, the submissive the receiver. In a good or well rounded relationship this flows back and forth between both Dominant and submissive. The submissive is 'giving' obedience and consent to the Dominant, the Dominant is 'giving' direction and control to the submissive.

Additionally you have those who go by the name of Top. This person is generally an individual who enjoys scening from the Top position. S/he may or may not have a strong dominant aspect. Many Top's will openly indicate that they do not consider themselves to be a Dominant, they generally have little desire to be in a controlling position of another person's life. Many see themselves in dual roles and may identify themselves as switches, or having the ability to switch from Top to bottom role. I also need to mention the Sadist here. A Sadist may or may not be a Dominant, in much the same way as a Top. Often a true Sadist will openly identify themselves as a Sadist. They scene because the inflicting of pain upon another being brings them pleasure. In many cases the Sadist has no desire to live in a controlling position over another person. Also the true Sadist is very attuned to 'scene limits', they can and may be a stickler for very precise identification of what is permissible and what is not. In general terms they are not oriented toward 'serving the pleasure' of the person they scene with though often they are very skilled, very intelligent and very careful.

A Dominant may be sadistic and will often have a strong sadistic side which allows them the ability or range to interact with the submissive in an intense sensory stimulation way.



THE MASTER ~ MISTRESS

The Master/Mistress is beyond the last level of the Dominant. They are generally well experienced, often having lived as a full time slave for up to several years as part of their training. This title used to be given within the local communities in a ceremonial way when the individual had earned this title by the estimation of a majority consensus agreement of the Dominant's within that local community. It was considered to be a high honor and carried with it a measure of instant respect by all those so encountering it. In addition there is a further title of Grand Master/Mistress. This title is awarded even more rarely and should you encounter any individual with this title, you should offer extreme respect and understand that this title was awarded for demonstrable and long term consistent actions.

There is a category called the Alpha Dominant. (aka High-Level Dominant) (aka Natural Dominant). This individual appears to have been born Dominant. They often 'emerge' at a young age, (sometimes at puberty), they have natural skills, are highly imaginative and creative, flexible, energetic and intense. They have no need to 'prove' themselves to any other standards or measures. They may have no abuse whatsoever in their background. They are generally highly motivated, precise, detail oriented, aggressive, charming and capable of literally anything.

A few other misconceptions to address. The term 'Lady' is often seen. Lady can be an indicator of both Dominant or submissive. Many Alpha or number one submissives are called 'Ladies'. Usage of this term as it applies to a Dominant Female is somewhat unclear though it 'may' indicate that the Dominant is or has been a switch. I should note that many of the Dominant's are former submissives who carry forth their education and training quite proudly. The term Lord is also commonly seen here and is often used as in 'Lord and Master'. Being called a 'Lord' does not mean that the individual is a Master but appears to be a term of endearment given by the submissive to that Dominant. Sir and Ma'am also fall into the category of endearment honorific title terms. Many Dominant's have no desire to assume the identity of a Master and require their submissives to call them Sir to be used as the reverent title of choice. This also holds true for Ma'am though I should note here that 'Madame' can be interpreted as a slur due to it's association with prostitution.

Also, a submissive is not allowed to address an individual as Master or Mistress unless they are within the collaring process with that Dominant. When wearing the 'collar of consideration' the sub/slave moves within the relationship circle of that Dominant's realm and should then address that Dominant in the manner so indicated by that Dominant's rank or desire. This continues through the 'training collar' stage and becomes permanent in the 'slave collar' stage. Proper protocol and etiquette should be taught to the new submissive/slave to prevent accidental embarrassment of the Dominant in situations where the submissive/slave may encounter other Dominant's, Alpha subs and submissive/slaves.


I was quite properly prompted to write a similar identifying article to the Submissive vs slave one. Also, I just received this safety tip from one of the Member Readers and decided it was important enough to pass along for those interested in this type of play -thank you Jewels!.

I feel the need to make a comment about puppy training. You mentioned that in puppy training the sub may be required to eat dog food. One safety issue here that comes to mind is that most dog food is not suitable for human consumption as much of the meat used comes from rendering plants which do not ask why the animal was brought in (i.e. a large variety of diseased meat may be included with the meat from relatively healthy animals). The only dog food that does not do this as much is Hills Science Diet. The Hills plant actually voluntarily meets standards for human food production. My background in this knowledge comes from my current veterinary school training and a tour of the Hills research plant.

Note: if you are a pet owner, there isn't a worry that your pet may get sick from the food, it is heated prior to final packaging to greatly reduce if not eliminate that problem, but I wouldn't want to risk it in a human."

from Steel Door

Become Real Love

Here, "love" is actually a relational bartering system justified by our self-obsession with presumed entitlement to get needs met we "have a right to", as if a relationship were some egalitarian utopia rather than the mysterious and demanding encounter it is where you really can only expect in proportion to what you contribute, an idea foreign to most who claim to "love".

And for all of you "love rights enthusiasts", before you kill me off here, I'm not advocating for you to be door mats and give unconditionally to an emotionally absent, neglectful Neanderthal a notch up the evolutionary scale from grunting. What I am saying emphatically is that most people don't have a clue about how to love someone and the source of that problem begins and ends with you learning how, not in finding the "right" partner to light you up.
Relationship challenges are often opportunities for you to grow, not just your partner.

You see, we "fall in love" with a personality (a fantasy of who we want someone to be "for us"), but we live with a character (the actual person you hooked up with and sometimes even marry) and the two are quite different. The "love" that gets people together, most often, isn't. Really, it's a shallow, often unconscious vetting of perceived match between "what I need/deserve" and "what they offer" in a utilitarian kind of way although we tell ourselves different. Then, the real work of love begins, a vocation most are less competent at than pointing blame at partner "problems" (code for "why can't they just be more like I want them to be") missing the truth that the real problem is we are clueless about how to love.

Ok, what's the solution? Change your strategy. Real love is not about finding the "right person", it's about becoming the "right person" capable of love. Soul mates are never found, they are created, by designing the conditions inside your relationship for soul mates to happen - by showing up, being fully engaged and present, emotionally available, vulnerable and open to being known and taking risks and contributing to what is important to your partner, not just standing for what you think you are entitled to. Change your question. From what's missing in my partner, to "what's it like to be with me".
Instead of asking your partner to change, consider asking, "who must you become to have what you say you want in your relationship?" Just a thought...

March 2012

subspace

If you are in a dominant/submissive relationship, there is a likelihood that at some point you may encounter subspace as well as sub-drop. Both are terms that are common yet misunderstood. Subspace refers to the place a submissive can soar to when she is in the middle of a scene with her dominant. Sub-drop refers to the coming down from sub-drop. Both can affect a submissive emotionally, mentally and physically.

Subspace can come about from a session in which there is a lot of physical pain involved. It can also come about when there is intense pleasure involved. Subspace can also result from a deeply emotional moment resulting from unresolved feelings that may spring forth in the middle of a BDSM scene.

When a submissive enters subspace, there is a feeling of soaring. It could very well be compared to an out of body experience. She does not usually feel her physical body at this point. What she feels is entirely emotional and spiritual. She feels detached from reality. Changes in the body occur during subspace. A submissive may have a drop in blood pressure. Her breathing will become shallow. It is almost like a semi-conscious state. The soaring can last for several minutes, and then comes what is referred to as sub-drop.

Sub-drop is when a submissive begins to enter back into a fully conscious state of mind after being in subspace. This can be very difficult on a submissive...emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Reality can seem harsh after being in subspace, and a submissive has a longing to remain in subspace where she is soaring without a care. When a submissive enters into sub-drop, there can be an almost violent reaction. She may sob uncontrollably. She may physically fight the feeling that comes over her. Her heart rate will spike back up. She may hyperventilate. Her blood pressure will rise.

It is the responsibility of the dominant to make sure that the submissive returns gently from subspace. This can be done by holding the submissive closely, gently stoking her, whispering to her that she is safe and loved, and that he is not going to leave her. This transition is extremely important on both an emotional as well as a physical level. It is not safe for someone's blood pressure and heart rate to spike and drop quickly within a short period of time. It is also important that the submissive feel safe when she comes back down from subspace.

Casey's first experience with subspace was very scary to her. She had not anticipated it and did not know what was happened to her. At first it was beautiful as she soared outside of herself. But when she came down, it was quick and her reaction was extreme. She began sobbing uncontrollably. She jumped up and ran into the bathroom and locked herself in there. Her dominant was caught totally unaware by what was happening. He had no experience with dealing with subspace or sub-drop, so he was unsure as to what to do. When he got the bathroom door open, he found Casey on the bathroom floor. She was mumbling incoherently, sobbing and hyperventilating. It was a very scary experience for both of them. Fortunately, the outcome was good. His instincts took over and he sat on the floor and cradled her softly until she was okay.

If you are in a BDSM relationship, be prepared to experience subspace and sub-drop. Not every submissive will experience it, but some will. If you are a dominant it is your job to be prepared just in case it happens. It can be a very beautiful experience to share together if you are prepared.

-by Cheryl Williams, Yahoo! Contributor Network

The needs of the submissive.

..... The dominant is the one bossing the other person around; you'd have to be some kind of jerk to want to do that.

While that may seem like it makes sense on the surface, the truth is just the opposite. People who are good at dominating or inflicting pain are, in general, LESS likely than many other people to be jerks or assholes.

Why? Because in order to be good at doing it, you need to be highly in-tune with your submissive. People who are self-centered generally make poor dominants, because they lack the empathy required to be able to read and judge their partner's reactions, and bring their partner where that person wants to go. Assholes quickly find that nobody wants to play with them; and people who are empathic tend not to be assholes. All of the real top-notch dominants I've ever met, without exception, are incredibly cool people.

In tune with your submissive? The dominant is the one calling the shots. What does the dominant care about the submissive?

Believe it or not, the dynamics of a BDSM relationship are often driven by the submissive, not by the dominant. The submissive sets the limits; the submissive decides what places can and can not be explored; the submissive has the ability to call a halt to the scene. The dominant, in many ways, is simply a facilitator. It's the dominant's job to create a setting where the people involved can explore the submissive's fantasies.

(As an aside, it's important to note that these limits can change over time. It may be that something that used to sound like it wouldn't be fun or interesting might in the future tickle your fancy; and that things you enjoy now, you may not necessarily enjoy in the future. People change over time. It's important, when you explore BDSM, to remember that, and to make a habit of talking to your partner about things you like and don't like as those things change.)

Dominating your partners does not mean that you don't want to please them. It is not always, or even usually, true that a dominant is interested in his own gratification rather than his submissive's. In fact, many dominants are driven as much by their desire to please their partner as by anything else; the psychology of a healthy BDSM relationship is driven by the submissive as well as by the dominant, and a dominant can take pleasure from gratifying the needs of the submissive just as easily as the submissive can take pleasure from gratifying the needs of the dominant. This kind of thing is not one-directional.

It's all for the submissive's benefit? Yeah, right. The submissive is the one being bossed around or spanked or whatever. How can you say that isn't abuse?

Simple. Two reasons:

1. In a BDSM relationship, the submissive sets the limits. A victim of abuse doesn't get a vote; the victim can't tell the abuser what to do, or how much to do it. A submissive sets all the limits--what kinds of things can be (and can't be!) done, how much, and for how long.

And while we're on the subject of limits, there is more than one kind of limit in a BDSM relationship. Everybody has "hard" limits--things that they absolutely will not do, and will not even consider. Some people, for example, like to be tied up but don't like the idea of being whipped; if they won't allow themselves to be whipped, ever, that's a hard limit.

There are also "soft" limits--things that someone won't do under ordinary circumstances, but will allow to be "forced" on him or her in the context of a particular scenario that's being acted out. Between soft limits and hard limits lies an interesting psychological territory to explore.

2. A submissive gets a way to opt out. This may be a code word, or a sign of some sort; if the submissive uses it, he or she has had enough and the scene is over. An abuse victim doesn't tell the abuser when to stop.

to answer your question... "I am very D/s"

Some people can only indulge in BDSM "play" if it is kept compartmentalized, away from the rest of their lives, so that they can open up and be vulnerable--and then go on their way.

Others can only open up and allow themselves to be vulnerable when they have an established, trust-filled relationship first.

And then there there's a third group that seems to have no need for boundaries at all.


While casual play/sex and polyandry are more common than not in the lifestyle, there are plenty of individuals who are monogamous, or who only play/have sex with certain people. So don't feel out of place if you think the poly thing isn't for you.

The most important thing is communication. Communicate your desires and your limits with your partner.

You say you're new to this, so I assume you still aren't certain what those desires and limits are. Just give yourself time to feel things out, and go slow. It helps to have a partner that is patient and experienced when you're starting out, because it may take some time for you to really figure out what you're looking for.


Another thing you may want to keep in mind: there is a spectrum between people who are interested in the emotional/psychological aspects of power exchange (D/s) and those who are mainly interested in the physical and sexual aspects.

If you find yourself drifting more towards the D/s side of things, you're going to have a harder time staying satisfied with just casual play. While D/s doesn't require monogamy to work, it does require significant amounts of intimacy, trust, and commitment.